Posts by lorigillespie

Wicked Witch from the Midwest

Jesus take the wheel…

OOOhhh, Easter.  That celebration of family, egg hunts, candy, hats, dresses and praising the risen.  Well, unfortunately I had fallen.

Jay left for out of town with business back home.  Girls were already upset with me that we couldn’t go back with him but honestly, I don’t want to be in a hotel room and check cliff into a dog daycare and drive 10 hours with both kids and no scenery. Not only that, the drive back in less than 48 hours separately since we are finally bringing back a truck. No thanks.  I will make the weekend of their spring break fun.  We will have girls weekend and go shopping for Easter stuff.

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We spent a good amount on this and that. I blatantly even said to both after I got a THANK YOU, “you’re welcome… HAPPY EASTER”! Feeling satisfied and awesome we get home rented movies, ordered a pizza and made popcorn waiting for Jay to get home. He is bringing our boat back, a truck so we can FINALLY have two cars and should be arriving any minute.

After he is home and settled, it’s around midnight and we say ok girls, get to bed. Addison, almost 10 years old, blurts out, I can’t wait to see what the Easter Bunny brings tomorrow.  OOOOKAAAAYYY???  Uhm, Gigi you told me she knew. “No Mom, I said I didn’t know if she does or not and I asked her.  She said that it couldn’t be you and Dad because you are both too lazy to be Santa.  That was at Christmas, mom”. (starting to feel that not so warm fuzzy and holding back a freak out moment) ” are you kidding me?!!?  We have absolutely nothing to set out in the morning.. Nothing. Not even hidden candy.  Crap I would set out beef jerky at this point.  A new pencil, anything. Jay gives me the way to go that’s my trophy wife sits down and watches me panicking trying to tell her as he is laughing to himself.  I give him a break since he’s been  on the road for quite some time, not even going to ask him to get back into his car, let alone the only thing open is a gas station at this point. I cannot get out of the house with my car since now the boat is in the middle of the drive way. I would take the new truck, I would feel like a mosquito riding on a camel’s back, it’s a beast of a truck but, I cannot drive the company truck due to insurance reasons.  (if you’ve ever driven with me, you’d fully understand). I calmly say honey we got our Easter things, the (insert air quotes) “bunny” already came so to speak.  She said what, where.. Gigi laughing not helping me at all and making me feel 2″ tall changes the subject.  Damn, I had to let this out.. Had to.  Gigi, help me I whisper and said I got you all so much stuff and are you all pulling my leg? Are you kidding me, help me tell her. I thought she knew.  I have lost my mind, I truly have. So I said well, Dad brought the boat home, he still isn’t saying a word, letting me do this all on my own. ugh. I got you all those things, that was Easter honey. Oh, and she walks off.  Really it was that easy?

We wake up and girls are still sleeping. So nice to see the boat and another vehicle in our possession. Addison and Gigi come out and Addison looks around and said the Easter Bunny didn’t come? Ok. Uh, I look at Jay who busts out laughing and Gigi’s face is turning red and they both diss me.  Leave me alone with her.  I said honey, he did.  Dad brought the boat last night and I got you all those things on Saturday for Easter. Then she responds with, I bet he hid stuff like he did that one year.  ~OH the year Jay fell asleep with Gigi and I fell asleep with you and no one woke up to set it out!!!  THAT YEAR?!  yea, well that year we hid it around the house while you were in the other room. Just like the tooth fairy stuffed it under your bed a couple times and Dad and I found it because the dog scared him.

So now she is looking around the house. I am getting pissed off at those two for leaving this all up to me. Granted, I am fully nominated for Mom of the Year award and all of you are casting your votes as we speak but for the love of god throw me a bone and help me out! JESUS!  (no pun intended)

So she helps Jay wash the boat all day and I said did you tell her anything at all, he said no she didn’t bring it up. WHY only me…. why? We went through the rest of the day and a couple opportunities came about. I did noticed she was a tad out of sorts but my god just tell the girl and I can’t because I have no balls. None. And she’s our “baby”. They won’t help me and if the subject gets even close to being brought up and I go to answer there is a sudden change of subject! I can’t even remember how I was told.  I think I was handed a book about Santa not being real. After a day of dodging her hopefully she will ask Gigi later on when they watch a movie together Gigi will feel my pain and just tell her.

Monday morning, Jay is off to work, we are on spring break and I am making them breakfast.  I walk over to the sink and wash my hands with Addison and I said “what’s wrong”. “Well, I’m kind of sad”… yes, here we go.  “why honey”. With a serious look on her face she says “The Easter Bunny didn’t come again, do you think he went to our house back home”……   me speechless for once in my life start to well up.  I am the worst parent ever.  Oh my god. My eyes are filing up with tears almost, Gigi finally says, Do you want me to just tell her?  WELL YEA!  I have been needing help for two days! “Addison, mom and dad are the easter bunny and santa.  We’ve been trying to tell you, you just wouldn’t give up”.  And there went her balloon, POP, with a sharpened up Gigi dart. ya know that total older sister, haha I knew and you’re stupid act.  She looks at me and I’m waiting for a total fall out of tears or anything and she starts laughing and says “No way”. I said yes, we aren’t as lazy as you think. Explained it to her that she can’t ruin for anyone and then she says I should have known because of this and because of that.    popimages

WHEW, it was easy I just didn’t have the chance or nerve. we called Jay and put him on speaker, we tell him what happened and he’s still laughing.  It’s not cool. But she’s fine. We are all laughing now, He swears we probably could have got another year out of her.  I say back, “Oh what ever!  One of Gigi’s friends told her the tooth fairy wasn’t real when she was in 1st grade”.  Out of no where Addison says, so wait… there isn’t a tooth fairy either?! Jay laughs even louder. oh, F&CK! I hang up on his ass and just look at her and say “want to go to starbucks and get a smoothie, The easter bunny is buying”?

Seriously, Addison is fine.  She is joking around calling Jay, Santa. Word of advice, let your kids tell you they know, don’t assume. It sucks.

WHYoming…. because it’s beautiful

Oh yes, here we go.  Time to be bad parents again and take our girls to another national park, this one being in Wyoming.  Devils Tower is only a two hour drive, come on it’s going to be 84 degrees.  And the girls, Why do we have to go? Why there? I don’t want to go hiking. So one is too cold to move and the other one is playing dead in her bed. Almost 2 hours later we all get inside the car.  Same scenario, oldest is not talking and still doesn’t have her shoes on glaring lasers into the back of my head while we have convinced the youngest this will be so fun that now she is happy and excited to go.  Not a good combo in the back seat. I’m thinking to myself that I should almost…  almost switch spots with Gigi, but then no I will have to do it every single time. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I did stop them mid hand slapping because they were laughing too hard to where the only thing that would lead, is crying since I could see a hand fly over a forehead by “mistake”.  They both get car sick if they read, and mind you we have never had the luxury of a TV for the kids to watch but I’m pretty sure they would argue over the movie too. We stop at the gas station right on the border, girls and I go in to purchase waters and grab snacks for them. Now, I have a squirrel that lives in my brain and immediately go to the souvenirs. How cute, look at this. Also, being rushed since we are 2 hours behind schedule I grab a water and the girls are making malt shakes, Jay is in the car waiting.

When we get to devil’s tower after looking at the cute prairie dogs and this wicked crazy cool landmark we are grabbing a map of our hike.

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All excited to soak up this beautiful beast we grab our…eerrrr MY water which is half full, and no one else has anything to drink. Damn shiny objects!!  I forgot water for everyone!!!  Shit. Go inside the visitor center which mind you everything else that is near isn’t open since it’s all seasonal so nothing is open until Memorial Day weekend. NOTHING! Now the visitor center…..Good for them, they went green and don’t sell plastic bottles of beverages. Double Shit, he gave me one responsibility in that gas station… ONE….I don’t make eye contact with my him since I already know his face is not amused and just say “here, have my water”. And walk off.

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So we start off the trail and it’s breath taking.  Addison finds a walking stick and Gigi just takes off.  Jay is right with G and I am with Addison a good 200 yards behind.  See, for some reason we all wore shorts, with a hike that is literally in a forest. Stepping over big piles of shit that you just don’t even want to know was there. Hoping elk but who knows. Bear, are they out of hibernation yet?  The tall grass is brittle and when the wind comes it sound like a rattler snake.  So with no one having my “back” so to speak, has me almost in a panic.  I’m telling Addison let’s get up by dad and Gigi mainly because yes, I’m a tad spooked.  The not just one but three piles of crap kinda had me open my eyes.  I also don’t even see safety or a ranger or anything and scared of heights. Addison’s legs are getting scratched up and she is starting to itch, it’s been 5 minutes.  I pretty much tell her to buck up, move your stick like this and push the grass out of the way. As I think to myself,  to make the rattler sound *gasp* my worst fear in life are snakes.

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We catch up to them and he says come on, get your heart pumping.  Ah, it is you a$$hole, if he only friggin knew I was about to have a panic attack and with him throwing pine cones and making snake sounds was about to make me pass out. Addison crying and complaining again and we are all thirsty. The only thing I am missing at this point is the question that makes us all cringe the most “I have to go to the bathroom”. Addison is complaining, wants to turn around and once again Gigi is enjoying herself and is leader of the pack.  I am fully convinced they tag team us for fun. We decided to split up. Gigi and I in front and Jay helping Addison in the back fight off grass. It seemed to work a lot better as we would meet up here and there and have a moment of beautiful scenery grab some photos and soak in nature. When we finished it was a family high five and of course a selfie to irritate Gigi. Then immediately to a gas station, for water!

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If any of you are able to encounter this beautiful landmark and are planning on hiking with children. Please wear pants.  Take water.  And split up. This is the second time we have not been prepared. You’d think we were rookies.

After we get home having a great day, Jay says to the girls, “See now you can cross that off your bucket list”.  Gigi, an attorney in the making says… yeah, that isn’t on my bucket list.

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DAMN TECHNOLOGY

Jump out of bed and get kids ready and out the door by 7:20am for school. Reminding them the first thing they should do in the morning is brush their hair and teeth. check

Go back to bed and lay there playing games on my phone for 20 minutes. (I have time before my conference call) check

Drag my ass out of bed because of Clifford and brush my teeth.  check

Let the dog out. check

Grabbing my coffee while yawning with tears, thinking I should brush my hair real fast and grab a sweatshirt since I’m a tad cold in my pajamas but, I may as well shower if I do that and no time. check

Sit down at laptop and mess around with notes, gather up some questions and thoughts while still rubbing my eyes. check

As I wait 2 minutes for the clock to strike it’s time, I realize it’s a video call ………………..

SHIT!!  check. ooooo yes, that is what I look like.

My acceptance speech when I was younger sounded a lot different. And I held a gold statue, not 409 with a sponge. 

Wow!  I’m so honored to be nominated every night. To cook, clean and pick up after everyone. Then to hustle   around and get everyone  signed packed and ready  for Monday while my almost deaf husband has the TV blared (blames the dishwasher) and still can’t figure out the light switches.  I have all my fans to thank.  Except the living room ceiling fan.  Because my husband hates that switch and during all of this commotion I have to come back to the living room and flip the switch off for him so he doesn’t stare at it like an infant and cry.

He has the patience of Mother Theresa, I have patience of The Hulk

Sunday is our family day. Being in South Dakota there is a lot to do, even in the winter which we are used to the temps anyhow, so I thought. Girls have always wanted to try snowboarding, why not go this weekend and surprise them.
My youngest, Addy, already thinks she is a shredder of the gnar. My oldest, Gigi, all the sudden not wanting to even take a lesson and is totally quiet when we arrive. More than likely could have been because of the ‘lovely’ drive there of screaming and fighting, anyway. My husband is doing the paperwork for the ‘shredder’ and I am helping her size her boots, helmet and board as I also sit and counsel with the Gigi who is not wanting to do anything except stare at me and not answer with her words, just tweenager body language and eye rolls. Can’t these girls ever be happy for one another? We end up leaving the rental store and head outside. It’s cold. After pure convincing, G finally decides “fine”, I will take a lesson. There is a line to sign up therefore, we head over to the retail store conveniently located next to the rental area. Mind you she is only wearing stretch pants and a light long sleeve shirt with an infinity scarf. So from apparel to accessories, obviously, we need it all and these are not walmart or target prices let alone brands. I mean when I heard the total, I could almost hear velcro on Jay’s wallet as he was opening to pay.  At least she had on her heavy coat. So we head back over to the rental area to sign Gigi up and rent her board, boots and helmet. She asks me to take the lessons with her.  Now, I get hurt just watching sports on television.  Also, I am not dressed for the adventure in jeans, sweatshirt and thin socks inside my boots. I was totally planning on sitting in the lodge with adult beverages for the day and people watch and I sure as hell am NOT asking daddy warbucks for help with my purchases. My daughter is having pure anxiety at this point so I agree.  As I am filling out my paperwork and really not wanted to initial next to injury not being their responsibility, trying to tell the lady my boot size and lie about my weight, braid Addy’s hair which is ratted, since she keeps messing with her helmet and goggles, tell Gigi to hold on with help for her other boot, which then she decided to state out loud, “nevermind you never listen or help anyhow”.  Jay asking me to fill in G’s paperwork and also if I have money for a locker. Addy is now crying because her boots are too small, her goggles are pinching, her helmet is too big and I would notice this but again, “you never pay attention or listen to me” is now coming out of her mouth. She took everything they gave her first and said yes, it fits….but honestly, I couldn’t focus on that 100% since I was dealing with the other pissed off daughter. Seriously! I’ve been a mother effin referee in the car and a counselor all morning. If they could see the beads of sweat I have inside my parka let alone feel all of my grey hair standing straight up and curling themselves with stress, they wouldn’t be bothering me right now. I could have dropped an F bomb, more than once. Used as an adjective, verb and noun in one sentence.  I looked at Jay like, I am going to go bat shit crazy soon, He exchanged everything with her as I walked outside.
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We have 45 minutes in -4 degrees before our lesson.  I am FREEZING! I have Gigi’s scarf and gloves since she has new ones and feel bad I thought these were even suitable for her, I’m blowing in my fists like I am using a duck call. Jay decides to take them on a small hill before lessons.  I am staying back, I will wait for lessons. Addison falls. She isn’t getting up and I know she is crying, Gigi nails it. Jay skis over to Addison and helps her. I can see her goggles are fogged up so I know she is crying. Shocker. Jay helps her get over to stand with me which she then accuses me of not helping her, but taking pictures of her while she is laying there and can’t get up. Actually, I was taking pictures of the kick ass scenery, but whatever. I’m freezing. Wasn’t it supposed to warm up today?

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Jay decides to take Gigi on the lift to see if she can do the bunny hill and Addy stays with me. Here we go! More tears and more whining and pouting because now, Gigi is always better than me. Please, I beg you to be happy for one another, this is ridiculous. I see Gigi and Jay coming down the hill, 20 minutes later, as I stand there with pretty close to numb legs at this point, nose running off my face and frozen digits. Still trying to avoid eye contact with Addison because I can’t deal with anymore pouting before I start pouting myself, (oh yes, still crying) and I notice Gigi is pretty much in a tree.  Addison still saying she is always better than her and I look at her and said, “is that why she’s in a tree”?!

Thank my lucky stars she made it down the hill and is not crying because our lessons are starting!  Once things got started and we got the basics down the girls were awesome. Actually, they caught on pretty quick and I was impressed.

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All in all it ended up a beautiful day. I think the whole way home we had about 25 “Thank you so much, Dad” floating around in the car and no injuries to report  We will be back again, although this time I will be in snowboarding gear, from Walmart.

IMG_9058P.S.  IT WAS COLD!